I’ve been struggling with so many suicidal thoughts. I’m afraid this is just going to continue to build up until one day life is too much and I decide to make a permanent decision…
I am so sorry that you are dealing with these thoughts. Without getting into too much detail, just know that I totally understand.
I think you are spot on with your imagery of things building up. The way to stop things from building to a boiling point is to relieve the pressure. You need a pressure release valve, and that is talking about your thoughts to someone. That could (and possibly should be) a mental health professional, but it could also be someone at your church or a close friend.
I have been astonished by the number of people who struggle with depression. The way I found out how many there are is that I started talking about it. Every time we discuss depression on our podcast, we receive messages from people all over who were helped by knowing that they are not alone, and that people have dealt with the same issues they have and come out the other side.
These kind of issues are nothing to play around with. They don’t get better on their own, but you can take steps to make them better. If you are in the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (suicidepreventionlifeline.org, 1-800-273-8255) is a good place to start. They have 24 hour telephone operators and people on webchat. They also have resources for where to find therapy in your area, even if you don’t have much money to spend.
In 1 Corinthians 10, Paul says to take every thought captive to Christ. The first step in that is to say those thoughts out loud. In the shadows of your mind, they can fester and build up on themselves. When you get your thoughts out in the light, they lose their scariness and become something that you can manage and beat.
This world is a better place because you are in it. That’s what I think, and that’s what Jesus thinks. You have things to offer the kingdom that no one else does. Please take care of yourself.
-Matt from The Bridge