I am 21, with acne, acne scarring, and wrinkles. I can’t afford nice clothing. I go to college with very beautiful people. I know my worth is in more than my outward appearance and I am 100% invested in loving God and people and asking Jesus to make my heart beautiful. However, this does not stop men from wanting a beautiful wife. One good, godly man does want to date me, but I don’t like him. Should I marry him anyway or die because i am too ugly to ever get what I want???
Oh my dear friend, the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath. Everybody goes through these kind of crises of self-esteem. Just because the feelings are so strong does not mean that they reflect reality. You seem to be caught in a maze of assumptions that don’t reflect reality, so let’s try to get to the heart of that.
The first false assumption is that conventionally attractive people have it easy in relationships. Katy Perry is world renowned for being beautiful, yet in an interview, her ex husband said that while having sex with her he was thinking of “anyone else.” If you woke up tomorrow with whatever your conception of perfect looks is, it wouldn’t solve all your problems. And you don’t need to be a supermodel to have a fulfilling romantic relationship. What you do have to do, is get a handle on your insecurities or they will sabotage everything.
If you just have no feelings for this one guy, then you shouldn’t force yourself to date him (much less marry him, holy crap is getting married out of desperation a bad idea). That being said, let me put a theory out there to make a point about insecurity. You are starting from a point of believing that you are ugly and unlovable (that is not true at all by the way, we will get to that). So, a guy comes along who says “I think you’re cute and I would like to get to know you better because you seem like a cool person.” Your insecurities won’t let you even consider that such a thing could be true, so you go into self sabotage: he must be lying, there must be something really wrong with him if he is into me, etc.
It wouldn’t matter if a cross between Ryan Gosling and Mr Darcy started wooing you, if you are set in a belief that you are unlovable, you will find a way to sabotage things to reinforce that belief.
Insecurity stems from a belief about how God feels about you, basically that He gave you a raw deal. Of course that is not true. God created you with care and craftsmanship. He created you to be and look exactly the way He wanted. If you can wrap your mind around it, God says you are beautiful, and God defines reality, therefore you are beautiful. No room for argument, God says it and it is true. If other people aren’t on board with that, that is their problem.
Of course that is much easier said than believed. The truth is that you aren’t going to go from feeling awful about yourself to accepting the truth of your beauty in one go. So start here- can you imagine it? Can you imagine that God will put someone in your life who sees you the way He does: beautiful, desirable, lovable? If you can’t imagine it, then look inside at reasons why and ask God to start answering them. If you can you will start slowly moving from imagining to believing.
Once you that movement from imagining to believing starts, you can start taking small steps. I’m sorry that finances are a little tight, but you can start looking at thrift stores or shopping sales and find a few things that you like. Maybe you can do the same with some make up (admittedly I have no idea how much make up costs). Feeling a little more confident from the outside in is not a bad thing, as long as you keep it in perspective.
My friend, there is nothing wrong with your face. Your face is the story of the life you have lived and are living. Wrinkles are formed from laughing and expressing wildly, and that is a beautiful thing.
God made you beautiful. You are beautiful. There are plenty of men who recognize that, but if your insecurities blind you to it, there will be no convincing yourself. Don’t let your insecurities run your life, it will hinder you. Imagine a world where you don’t let the most negative voice in your mind run things. Wouldn’t that be amazing? You can do it.
-Matt from The Bridge