When I feel scared, I start to play worship music and pray and ask Him for strength and the fear goes away, and when I can’t sleep because of this fear, I play worship music as well. Does my initial fear mean that I don’t have trust in Him, or does my resulting feeling of comfort mean that I trust Him?
You seem to be putting a lot of effort into finding something you are doing wrong. We all fall into that sometimes I think. The reality is that it seems like what you are doing is right on. In fact, I have heard and given that exact advice: when you feel overwhelmed, do something and get your thoughts back on the fact that God has control. That could be looking at a bible passage, texting a friend to get an encouraging word, or listening to praise music.
One of the most damaging things someone can do to their walk is to compare themselves to an imaginary perfect Christians. That will always lead to undue self criticism. Especially when that imaginary super Christian has utterly impossible attributes. No human being is never afraid. That would not be trust or faith. That would be the sign of a literally damaged brain.
The difference between courage and cowardice is not whether you feel afraid or not. The difference is whether you let that fear tell you what to do or still listen to the Jesus over that fear. In John 16:33, Jesus says “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” He doesn’t say “if you really had faith, you wouldn’t have any trouble.” Faith is about trusting Jesus over the things that frighten you, not never being frightened.
You can’t overcome unless their is an obstacle. You can’t have courage unless you feel afraid. God gives us courage to deal with the things that overwhelm us. He does not judge us for feeling overwhelmed in the first place.
-Matt from The Bridge