Hi! Since my friend got married nearly a year ago, we have only hung out once, and since, she is completely unavailable. I feel as though she has drifted off into the married women club where ladies only have time to hang out amongst themselves and to enjoy the married life with their hubbies. I may be kind of jealous that I am losing her, but how do I deal with this change and sense of loss?
I am very sorry that you feel like you are losing your friend. Changing relationships are a reality of life, especially in that post-school, young adult time. You don’t have the structure of high school or college which means being around all your friends all the time, and people get married, get jobs that mean relocating, that kind of thing. It happens to everyone, but that doesn’t mean you have to like it. So you should deal with those feelings of mourning head on.
It is important, however, not to let feelings run the whole show on how you view what is going on here. Your friend is going through some pretty huge changes and a big part of that is how she manages her time. The kind of harsh reality of your friend getting married, to put it bluntly, their relationship with their spouse is more important than their friendship with you. Not that you friendship isn’t important, but there is an official hierarchy now.
As listeners of the Say That podcast are well aware, I am not married, but a lot of my best friends are. Occasionally they will have something with their wife that flat out takes precedence, and I am cool with that. That goes even more for when your friends start having kids. Your friend is probably learning how to manage her time in this new life.
Part of the solution may be that you need to put in the lion’s share of the effort on the planning and contacting for a while. For some of us that feels like a weird hit to the pride, but it’s just a practical move. For the most part, a single person has a more flexible schedule than a married person. Not because a single person’s time is less valuable, but because a married person has two schedules to deal with.
The other thing to consider, and I’m just throwing this out there, is maybe you are bummed that you are not part of the married women club and the situation with your friend is poking at that. In that case taking some steps to kick start your own relationship life (such as online dating, singles group at church, asking that cute but clueless guy out) may ease this whole thing.
It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do, but feelings are probably not the whole story.
-Matt from The Bridge