Setting Physical Boundaries in Dating

Anonymous asked:

Hey, thank you for your blog it is very helpful. Me and my partner started having sex inconsistently about three months ago. We both know that it is wrong, and deep down we know we want to stop. But we are finding it very difficult. Do you know of any simple techniques that we could put into place to try and limit that temptation? Thank you so much for your help.

I answered:

It is all simple techniques. There is no magic bullet that is going to make you uninterested in sex. And even if there was, you wouldn’t really want that. Having sexual desires is normal and healthy, but they do need to be kept in check until the proper time, that being marriage.

The most important thing is to have a detailed and frank discussion about boundaries. Just because you have already had sex does not mean that you don’t get to set boundaries in the future. The less you hold back in this talk the better off you will be in the long run. Open communication and trust make for a good relationship, and will one day make for a good married sex life, for now they are integral to maintaining your boundaries.

It is up to both of you to keep those lines once they are discussed and drawn. There is a popular cultural idea that it is the guy’s role to get get physically as far as possible, and the woman’s role to play gatekeeper. That is insulting on both accounts. Women have sexual desires and men are capable of self control. Pretending otherwise isn’t going to get anybody anywhere.

If you set your boundaries in a clear way, and your partner goes charging past them, now we have a big problem. We have a respect problem. Grown people respect each other’s boundaries, if your significant other doesn’t respect your’s, or doesn’t have the fortitude to control themselves, it is time to move on.

Be realistic with your boundaries. “When we are naked, laying on top of each other, it’s probably time to ease back” is not a boundary. Everybody is different, but hands above the waste is a pretty good starting place.

Some other things are as simple as: not being alone in a bedroom together. Don’t make plans to sleep in the same house. In these things as well, it will take a team effort to stay on track. You might slip up, and that is okay. God is not angry at you, you are not beyond repair, you’re just human.


-Matt from The Bridge

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